The night I became a Mom...actually the moment I became a Mom

image

The second day I was in the hospital, I was moved to a room from the birthing center - our perfect bubble. I had a roommate whose curtain was closed the entire time for a semblance of privacy. I got the window side, which was great for the light, yes, but really for the extra ledge on the windowsill where we could put the homemade brownies my Aunt made. Visiting hours were over for friends at 8-ish and husbands at 10-ish. My husband stayed until 11 and we said our goodbyes for the evening. Then I was alone with my baby for the first time. Yes I had the roommate behind the curtain, but I was without visitors or my husband. Just me…my child… and the brownies.  Around midnight, the nurse came in saying she wanted to take our babies for their Hep B shot. I was so tired…and running on adrenaline.  So I welcomed the rest…and hated the rest. I told my roommate that if she wanted me to turn off the TV or something was bothering her, no problem. I didn’t want to be the woman in her birth story that was the crazy roommate in the hospital. I wanted to be remembered as the sweet and accommodating roommate in the hospital.  Inevitably she took me up on my offer to turn off the TV.  I obliged…then silence. Now it was just me…my thoughts…and the brownies - and I couldn’t even see them in the dark. I wept…into my pillow to be accommodating. I was so scared and thrilled and tired and on a sugar high and it all came to a head when I had nothing to distract me. Around two in the morning her baby girl was wheeled back in. So I waited for baby boy to come back…a half hour later, when he was not back, something kicked in. ‘Why isn’t he back?’ ‘Did I remember to ask my pediatrician about the shots?’ I got on my phone and Googled Hep B shots and started to read. They are good!  They are bad!  Do not get them!!!  Get them right away!!!!! I wept, this time from fear that I had made a horrible choice in saying yes, and that something happened and that’s why he was not back yet. Then I started thinking about what to do. I watch Dateline and have seen all the things that can happen in a hospital. I also watch Oprah, where she says I am supposed to trust my instincts, they are there for a reason. So I started formulating a plan in my head. Go to the desk and be sweet, try to get info out of them…I could bring the brownies for bribery! Or should I demand to see my baby and know what is happening. I watched the clock…and gave myself a deadline. If he is not back by three I am going out brownies blazin’ to get my son. Minutes passed like hours.  It was 2:45…I was practicing my Dateline interview when I heard the wheels of baby boy’s bassinet come in. “Oh hi,” I said casually to Adina, our nurse, “thank you.”  Adina said everything went great and explained a few things, but I checked out after she said the word ‘great’ because I was so focused on grabbing my son.  I sat there still, waiting to pounce, willing Adina to wrap it up. As soon as she turned on her heels, I grabbed baby boy and held him close. I wept silently. This time, not to be accommodating, but because it felt so special, so sacred and I knew that was the moment I became a Mother. I held him in my arms for the rest of the night protecting him and me from another separation. I put his little head right under mine and drooled all over it in my sleep.  He didn’t mind. I felt a bond and a sense of fear and worry and protection and love that I had never had to process before. Instincts that I had to trust implicitly, and to have faith and to follow it blindly - all in the span of 2 hours and 45 minutes. To have him back in my arms…all those fears were gone. It was amazing, and life altering, and it all made perfect sense. I am he and he is me…on this journey together…with awesome brownies.